Indian Allergies – I’ve lost count …

Oh that’s right – Part 3. As I am sure you’ve all been “eager beavers” the past two weeks, glued to your computer screens waiting for this (just say you have, okay) day, I’d like to start by apologising for the lapse in getting this post up.

I was trying to find an appropriate antihistamine for all these allergies and ended up blowing my lab up instead, so I got all the kangaroos, wallabies, koalas, platypuses, echidnas and other native Australian wildlife to help me rebuild but turns out belonging to the same region doesn’t automatically mean you all get along. Suffice to say, my lab is far from picture perfect.

Anyway, enough rambling – here goes:

14. Indians by nature can’t quite grasp the World’s excitement around recycling because we’ve been doing it for ages; we call it “Jugaad”. Similar to everything Indian, its use exceeds one, it’s not just recycled a gazillion times over already, it’s likely to be recycled till air particles appear more solid and it’s what most would term entrepreneurial. For us, it’s just about getting a particular job done really, so we’re allergic to how “trendy” recycling is for everyone else.

15. Alarm bells go off in our heads if someone tells us something is “not a problem” because clearly what they’re saying is we’re screwed tighter than the beer bottle cap you can never seem to pry open. First rule of thumb for anyone conducting business in my country is if they say “it’s not a problem” it’s a mother you know what of a problem. Good luck buddy because though you’re going to need it, even a horrendous hurricane hurled at you at a million miles per hour is child’s play, basically see you later, it was nice knowing you.

16. Indians are allergic to not having someone other than a family member help you out around the home. Household help is not a nice to have, it’s mandatory full stop. We are allergic to having to do things for ourselves when someone else can clearly be employed to do it for us. People may snicker and say we’re spoilt but seriously, it’s all part of the economy. My problem is when I get scolded for making the bed when I visit my grandparents’ house back home, I just can’t seem to get my little pea sized brain around how doing the right thing is wrong, but our (what seems to be) ancestral household assistant can still whack me on the bottom so hard, she’d put Mohamed Ali to shame!

17. We are allergic to not making up our own language and take extreme offence to anyone suggesting that the languages we have developed aren’t “proper” forms of communication. Hinglish is not a form of colloquial, cultural expression, it’s a language, see – even spellcheck knows it.

18. Indians are allergic to not attaching “yaar” to the end of each sentence – “It’s hot na yaar?”, “that’s cool yaar”, “you look so sexy in that yaar”, “that guy is totally checking you out yaar” … The list goes on but you get the picture. You don’t add “Yaar” to the end of a sentence which is a friendly version for pal; I’m just not feeling it.

19. You are NOT Indian if you do not discuss politics at every opportunity you get, especially around the dinner table. Every single one of us is a closet politician, just waiting to be discovered. You don’t like politics; we look at you through distrusting lenses because clearly you’re a fake Indian. If I can’t prove that, it is obviously a deep, dark conspiracy where you “fake” Indians are infiltrating us real Indians.

20. There is a reason we have articles written branding our breed of people as “Argumentative”. We will blow your ear drums meticulously “debating” why your point of view could not possibly be more incorrect even if you slit your wrists and bled out right here and now. Don’t believe me, check out this guy. Though some non-Indians are a little terrified of us, we just think it’s the nucleus of the many great inventions we claim to have designed.

21. Every Indian grandparent is convinced they were a Medical doctor in a previous life. We even have a phrase for it; it’s called “Dadi/Nani ke totke”. No matter how hard grandchildren protest against the injustice of the barbaric, uncivilised medical remedies, our pleas of torture are unheeded and often fall on deaf ears.

Sore throat? Don’t worry, my grandma will fix that for you with some Mendel’s Paint, just remember – your throat is the toilet and the medicine a toilet brush, sure your initial soreness is history, but that’s because you no longer have an oesophagus left.

22. Dear Hippies & Alternative Living Enthusiasts, Indians have been tree hugging for centuries, we kinda call it Ayurveda and again, what’s the big deal with it?

23. As a side bar, we also don’t really understand the difference between Pilates and Yoga but whatever.

24. And finally – drum roll, we respect our closest relative, the monkey, so we let them roam around freely, either that, or we’re shit scared of them. Nevertheless, monkeys and mankind live side to side more often than not in our country, sometimes not so peacefully but generally we do well with a limited amount of space

Okay, so there it is guys! What most of us are allergic to. You may now aptly celebrate that this tumultuous ordeal has reached its climax and if you feel like I’ve missed out on anything just give me a slap on the wrist and share, share, share.

See you later my beauties 🙂

P.S. For those of you in love/starting to fall insanely in love with other Indian experiences, I really urge you to take a look at these priceless blogs by some of the MOST talented bloggers on this forum (at least the ones I’ve found so far)! Enjoy!

http://verseherder.wordpress.com/

http://keeppicturing.wordpress.com/

http://thisfernweh.wordpress.com/

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65 thoughts on “Indian Allergies – I’ve lost count …

      1. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        nana is mum’s dad, and nani mum’s mum. 😀 Can you imagine if our grandparents were there with us, we’d confuse them between the two of us! Haha! At least it would keep us entertained, doesn’t take much for me, that could keep me laughing about a week or two!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. P. S. Hoffman

    “You are NOT Indian if you do not discuss politics at every opportunity you get, especially around the dinner table.” – My whole family MUST be indian! I had no idea! I have so much cultural heritage to explore now!

    Excellent post, M.P. There are too many good ones to single out, but they all made me smile.

    Like

    Reply
    1. mpsharmaauthor Post author

      Haha! Absolutely, a bizarrely, terrifyingly explosive culture to explore 😉 Thankyou for your kind words, I am glad I was able to make you smile, it means a lot coming from someone as excellent at writing as yourself! I am really enjoying many of your posts, they’re absolutely wonderful!

      Seriously, your blog is one of the few that makes me stumble around my own writing journey with envious trepidation, at the embryonic stage of tapping on my keyboard – brilliant!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. P. S. Hoffman

        I am going to explode with happiness and pride.

        I am going to copy and paste this comment somewhere, so that any time I feel that I’m not good, I’ll at least remember how good your words made me feel. Thank you M.P.

        Like

      1. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        I love this comment especially, though I love all your comments, I feel like this one requires special mention! I agree, as my fellow brain mate, it is only natural that we read each other’s minds because you know we live in one another’s brains 😉 I already feel like a millionaire, because, you know. I have you!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. aspiringwriter22

        Oh thanks. You have no idea how much I love all your comments. Now that I think about it, maybe you do since you live in my brain and all. 🙂 I can’t imagine living inside anybody else’s brain. That’s a terrifying thought.

        Like

      3. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        Haha, imagine if someone just read this comment they’d be psycho alert, they can’t imagine living in anyone else’s brain. Okay, move along, MOVE ALONG! 😀 But, we’d be used to it, the perplexed looks of confusion, brilliance is impossible to comprehend for the, well, un-brilliant 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      4. aspiringwriter22

        You just voiced one of my thoughts, which is totally natural and not psycho by any means. 😉 Yes yes, there are much better things to read. Like our awesome blog posts. 🙂 There you go again with your brilliance.

        Like

      5. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        You know I can’t believe I finally found someone who believes I’m not a psycho, it’s so hard to do, believe me I’ve tried, such few people can even begin to comprehend our brilliance, so thank you 🙂 Our blog posts should be made into movies, that’s how great they are 😀

        Like

      6. aspiringwriter22

        We really do have a lot in common. I’m thinking everything we write should be turned into movies, TV shows, songs, etc. Oh and they should be translated into multiple languages for the whole world to read!

        Like

      7. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        Hahaha! You are so right, in fact we should just be everywhere, all the world problems solved instantly. Imagine that, I can’t believe Steven Spielberg hasn’t contacted us yet. He’s probably rummaging around for our number. Steven, HEY Steven, we’re here

        Liked by 1 person

      8. aspiringwriter22

        I know. The world needs saving. The planet wouldn’t function at all without us. Right. He’s busy looking for a way to contact us. Hey Steven, you could always come on WordPress and stalk us. 😀

        Like

      9. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        😉 Yeah Steven, we wouldn’t complain, count yourself lucky, we don’t allow just anyone to stalk us :p I think everything, and I mean EVERYTHING would stop existing if it weren’t for us :p

        Like

      10. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        The only time we don’t see eye to eye is when you say I’m more superior – that’s all, so I would say we’re pretty much a clone of one another, including our mutual (often misguided) modesty 😉 😀

        Like

      11. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        We should get an all expense paid vacation with our own private jet – you know, so we’re not mobbed by each and every government on the planet. Yup, that way we should be on a holiday 1/2 of the year, it is only fair, you know with how run down we are being us 😉

        Like

      12. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        Oh I’m so glad you said that. I just didn’t want to say the whole year unless you had plans. Okay, so I’ll just give them a list of things we’d like to do, like surfing Hawaii, snowboarding Antarctica, jungle hunting in the Amazons, etc, etc

        Like

      13. mpsharmaauthor Post author

        I completely agree, just being together and frolicking in amazing locations all over the world will suffice 😀 Awesomeness the whole world over, I think the globe may spontaneously combust in joyful contentment!!!

        Like

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