Casper

Simply Funerals …

My sister and I went out to dinner Friday night (seems like an eternity ago but I think that may be due to my Mondayitis but whatever).

Anyhow …

We came across a billboard for funerals and in an effort to silence our grumbling stomachs in the car on the way there we decided to exercise my marketing prowess (or lack of it) and come up with some slogans or punchlines.

Turns out, there are some one-liners that are pure perfection for anyone in this business, so funeral directors, listen carefully. For all the rest of us in mundane businesses like mine, we definitely have our work cut out for us.

Disclaimer: If you’re feeling particularly depressed today or death is a sore subject at the moment, please give this one a pass …

So, without much ado, here’s what we came up with:

  1. Simply Funerals – With Customer Service like ours you’ll never go back.
  2. Simply Funerals – We bring a whole new meaning to a Customer for Life.
  3. Simply Funerals – Once you’re with us, you’ll never go back. Anywhere.
  4. Simply Funerals – You’ll be so happy with us, you’ll never want a refund.
  5. Simply Funerals (for the cremation options) – We can promise you, you’ll be going out with a Bang.
  6. Simply Funerals (for the cremation options) – As a bonus, free fireworks for family and friends.
  7. Simply Funerals – Refer a friend BEFORE you use our service and get two for the price of one

I know, I know, it’s crass but hunger apparently doesn’t bring out the best in the Sharma sisters. Or, does it? I guess it depends on the angle you’re looking at it from – six feet under or above …

Any of you lovely people care to add onto the list?

The Casual Racist

Know a Casual Racist?

You know who and what I’m talking about.

I think we’ve all probably had the misfortune of coming across one or two (if you’re lucky).
That person who isn’t racist but thinks that adding a smile at the end of a thinly veiled racially motivated comment makes it alright to just chuck one at you anyway.

I have spent the past five weeks traveling across India through Shimla, Delhi and Mumbai, completing my superb trip at Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. In one word – amazing (sing that while you read it for added emphasis).

I must admit to spending some of my time dispelling stereotypes about the land down-under vehemently because you know, ignorance is never an excuse for sweeping generalisations that can come across as rude because they are, people, they are. Simple as that. No, no matter what ever angle or perspective you look at it.

What I didn’t expect was Pauline Hanson’s vigorously and scarily increasing popularity. As a side bar, what exactly is happening to the world and it’s dangerously increasing xenophobia? It takes two to tango in life for everything and the Trumps, Hanson’s and every other right wing party leader in Europe is where they are because of all of us (those of us who vote for them and those of us who can’t be bothered getting off our arses to put a stop to potential future genocide for the gazillion-th time).

I also managed to meet every racist Aussie I strongly believe exists in my vicinity in the week I got back. I know this is highly unlikely but like everything negative, the numbers seem to exponentially build inconceivably, like something out of a J.K. Rowling novel.
Comments like, “ugh Dehli, way too many people in your country” (adding a smile at the end of that sentence still pisses me off by the way), “must have been sweaty and hot in your country” (that’s rich coming from someone who is currently battling 42 degree Celsius weather), “did you take any photos of elephants and tigers while you were there?” (the next time you take a photo of a kangaroo jumping over the Harbour Bridge in Sydney city, please-let-me-know).

I could go on but why?

Why should I waste my time trying to educate casual racists on not so common etiquette and courtesy? If they haven’t learnt yet, they never will.

Just note please …

Sticking a flag in countries that were never yours and never will be was never and will never be right.

Full stop.

Just like adding a smile to the end of a sentence you may think is manipulatively cloaked but glaringly obvious to the people you have been attempting to “civilise” for centuries is not and will never be acceptable.

This may be offensive to some and I get it.

Because this entire piece has been written with a clear and complete absence of a smile.

For the rest of you who have managed to find this writing somewhat palatable, I’ll be posting pics of my amazing journey soon hopefully. I trust your open-mindedness will allow you to see through the stereotypes and generalisations towards the glorious similarities we all share against the backdrop of exciting cultural nuances.

See you soon xoxo

relaxation-road-trip

It’s that Time of Year Again …

Finally!

The Summer season is around the corner for us Southern Hemisphere people.

Work officially ends in about four weeks and from now till then I will not be venturing into the world of functioning folks due to my monstrous, inhumane work schedule -_-

Which is saying something considering my “functioning” self is a far cry from everyone else’s normal functioning selves. That makes minimal sense. I realise that.

Which is why I have decided to give everyone of you a break. As well as my poor brain so it doesn’t break any further.

Enjoy the festive season with your loved ones my wonderful, awesome-st peeps and tell me all about it when I get back.

In the meantime, I will be taking a road trip (in case none of you got my cryptic featured image there) and will let you know all about it upon my return (that sounded a lot grander than I had first envisioned – like King Arthur type noble).

Any guesses on where I’m going? Let me know and I’ll give you an invisible present if you guess right. Seriously, it’ll be so invisible, you will never be able to find it.

Jusqu’à ce que je reviens, au revoir mes amis! (I love Google Translation).

Writing-Words

Write non-Write Balance

I just watched a video that discredited the whole elusive work-life balance thing we all crave.

It was for work and I got through four minutes of it thinking there’s four minutes of my life I’m never getting back because it really helped me in NO possible way for my actual job. Even after trying to deploy all my imaginative, creative abilities I pride myself on having honed until now.

But whatever – Another story.

What it did mention though is how the whole work-life balance concept is a piece of you know what because when you love something you do, the lines between work and play blur.

Sounds blissfully ignorant if you ask me.

The guy then mentioned how creatives (supposedly people like you and me) don’t believe in the concept of work life balance because we can’t shut off our creative brain no matter how much we try.

I don’t know about you but I can definitely shut my creative part of the brain. In fact, I would suggest that my “creative” part often leaves me lurching in the pitch bleakness of nothingness because it’s decides to go on an impromptu dark orgy with some buddies of it.

Again, another story.

After just having spat out three articles of varying degrees of dullness, today is definitely one of those days I wish I had more write and non-write balance. So to the irritating perky dude who declares work life balance is a façade for us mere folk who would love to be a beached walrus right now, I’d like to politely tell you to shut up.

I’d get more creative with my dismissive attitude but I can’t. My creative side just left me a note that says Do Not Disturb.

facepalm image of boy

This is what the US Campaign is doing to me …

I mean honestly.

What is wrong with us?

How is it that we can seriously, I mean, seriously consider Trump to be a viable option?

How do these people even make it as far as they do and why hasn’t anyone put a muzzle on the guy yet.

I blame us. I really do. Obviously we’re doing something to encourage these idiots to perhaps lead us one day when the guy clearly can’t see he’s wearing his toupee back to front.

We are in some serious need of h-e-l-p. I’m not surprised The Aliens haven’t taken us over yet, I mean considering that this guy has potentially made it to the top of the world’s superpower I’m sure they’re up there going, “I’m not touching that”.

Agree. Don’t. It might be contagious.

Paralympic Cyclist

Why we should be ashamed of ourselves

The Paralympics is fascinating to watch. Truly, it is.

I’m not going to give some shitty reason [like it’s amazing what “disabled” (I hate that word by the way, who gets to choose what “disabled” or “abled” is?) people can do, or isn’t it amazing what that person with less intelligence has been able to do? For the record – shut up] for this.

Why I loved the Paralympics was because for the first time this whole Olympic season, I actually got to witness true sportsman (and woman) ship.

Seriously.

People actually participating with the sports mentality, I saw laughter at losses rather than whingeing, I saw true happiness at being able to partake rather than grumbling at the lack of facilities and how much better the West could have done it, and I saw true competition against a backdrop of humility for those that deserved the better result.

In India, our Paralympians won gold medals while our Olympians continued to complain and whine about how they are mistreated by the government and aren’t provided with the proper facilities.

Shame on all of us “abled” people, I really believe we should hang our heads in embarrassment, to the supposed abled bodied Olympians for not being utterly mortified for their continued inability to see the bigger picture and to the rest of us who couldn’t be bothered watching the Paralympics with an equal amount of vigour to the Olympics and thinking it wasn’t important to complain about the lack of coverage.

To all you abled Paralympians, I am truly sorry on the behalf of our entire disabled majority.