Tag Archives: India Stereotypes

Indian Allergies – Part Two

Firstly, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise for my unusual, shocking ability to remember what I’d promised more than 60 seconds ago this one time when most of you probably wished I hadn’t!

I come armed with Part Two of My Indian Allergies Post secretly ecstatic that no tomato stains will inflict my pristine veneer when you smash them in desperate agony at your computer screen, because washing up more than twice a day is a serious bore for me. So here goes:

7. Indians are genetically allergic to anything below 100%. We like the look of a skinny “1” followed by two fat rounds “O’s”. You get 97% in anything in life; everyone around you is going to be disappointed. It’s as simple as that, which is probably why I am constantly struggling with my weight, unless it’s 100% fat free I’m not going to be un-Indian and ingest that “try hard”, “wannabe” fat free chip right there shamelessly celebrating its underachievement.

8. Indians are by nature allergic to any outdoor activities, which is why camping is such a BIG No-No for us. If I absolutely have to camp, like in the heat trodden majestic outdoors of Rajasthan’s Ranthambhore, my tent better be a five star accommodation like this. Complete with electricity, running water, a television and the absolute imperative power point to plug my laptop in. Indians and IT, we’re inseparable.

9. What the heck is a “DIY” apart from an absurd juxtaposition of seemingly unrelated letters? What in the World would possess anyone to do something themselves when there are clearly other options? Indians just don’t get it. If we can find someone (and we know we will) to remove that transformer toy car wedged between the kitchen counter and the wall with nothing more than a spatula that was designed (or at least reworked) for this very purpose and some used chewing gum, you know we will. We just need to find the one of many “LIT” (learnt it themselves) potentials on the street outside our home.

10. Indians are highly, toxically allergic to personal space and talking in what we consider to be inaudible soundwaves (by this, I mean saying anything that can’t be physically heard by everyone within a 50 metre radius). We’re the second largest population on the globe fast becoming the first. This is not a choice; it’s a survival mechanism that would put Charles Darwin to shame. Getting heard and a space to call your own, now that is near to impossible.

11. Indians are allergic to most professions unless it has taken us at least seven years to complete them. If you’re not in Information Technology, Medicine, Engineering, Finance and a few choice others, we’re going to be looking at you sceptically if you tell us you’re an Indian because we’re not going to believe that your family gives a crap about your “achievements”.

12. We’re distrusting of any Indian family that doesn’t have a clear boundary that would put the Indo-Pak border to shame between their normal family stuff and those reserved for the guests that may or may not be worthy of bringing out the new stuff (namely bed linen and bath towels along with other toiletry essentials). The very thought of this ever occurring is enough to induce excited champagne popping dreams by all the kids in the family if this does in fact, ever happen. This dream, just so you know, is hardly ever realised and is instead passed down the many, many generations to come.

13. We do not understand the idea of different genres in movies?! Why would you ever restrict yourself to just one? An Indian cinema experience involves everything jam packed, Van Damme crammed into one movie – romance, fighting, tragedy, action, musical, dancing, singing and that’s just in the first five minutes. You want it, we’ve got it!

Because my computer has started steaming at the abhorrent, unjust onslaught I am pounding away on my keyboard at the moment, I’m going to stop. I promise that my intentions were noble and that I did think that this would be over by now, but it turns out that Indians are allergic to a lot more than I had previously thought. I know, poor us. All sympathy baskets and donations can be sent to the following address:

Indian Allergy Donations Headquarters:
The first Indian family you find (NOTE: Just mention these words in the following order “we’re sorry for the allergies inflicted upon you courtesy your DNA”) and they’ll know what you mean. They’ll probably invite you in with their “come, come” and force feed you till you’re on the verge of requiring an ambulance.

See you later my adorable peeps 🙂

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Indian Allergies – Part One

Okay, so by now most of you know that I’m from India and as an Indian, I find that my kind are often inflicted with allergies that are synonymous to our DNA.

Don’t laugh, it’s true. Okay fine, you can laugh a little, but make it more of a snicker please. Thank you.

Over the years, after having keenly observed those of my heritage (namely family members, friends and complete strangers) over “pakodas” and “samosas” (the Indian version of Big Macs and fries), I have come to the conclusion that we are unusually allergic to some aspects of life that those who do not share our DNA are fortunately free from.

For those of my treasured followers who are Indian, I am hoping that you will be able to sympathise with my predicaments (or at least some of them) and for those who aren’t, I presume you’ll be grinning in quiet contemplative satisfaction at having missed out on our genetic makeup. 

For easy referencing, I am bullet pointing them, just so my fellow Indians can do a quick check of where they sit on the Richter Scale of being “Able to fake it successfully” to the “Shite – I’m screwed” rating.

1. As an Indian, we are extremely and dangerously allergic to minding our own business. That’s correct, you read it right. If it’s my business, I’m not interested. I absolutely MUST know everything about everyone who is related/not related to me in any and every possible way, from my fiftieth cousin to my milkman. Basically, if it’s happening on Mars – I need to know.

2. We are not morning people – no Sir-ee. In fact, I am positive that the rest of the World has it the other way round, mornings are definitely meant for sleeping and nights are for staying awake. The Owls have it right.

3. Indians cannot understand the sole obsessive need for physical sexiness the rest of the globe harbours. We don’t completely comprehend the hunger for Playboy & Playgirl. We want a magazine called “Brains are sexy”. Give us a brain in a thong, and now we’re talking.

4. Indians are anti one lifetime. This has absolutely nothing to do with any sort of spiritual endeavours but centres around the single, most important aspect in our lives – food. We keep on coming back again for nothing else because there are far too many delectable culinary delights to cram into one life.

5. Indians don’t understand how anyone can have brothers and sisters that fit into single number categories. Unless you have a gazillion siblings (some of which share your blood), you can’t state you have a family because to us, that’s more like a very, very underdeveloped foetus.

6. Indians are highly allergic to stating any simple word once, just in case you miss it. This has completely nothing to do with our inability to grasp the English language or our doubt at your aptitude in grappling with simple instructions but please don’t be alarmed if we say “sit, sit”, “eat, eat”, “come, come”, etc. It’s just the way we reaffirm our hospitality.

Due to our ill-fated allergies centred around our genetic composition, for the first time ever I have had to divide this post into two parts. Stay tuned (or sob in relief that this traumatic experience has finally come to an end … for now) for Part Two, unless I am barred from WordPress. After which you may all celebrate in joyous reprieve 🙂

See you around everyone!

My YouTube Initiation

So I finally jumped onto the bandwagon!

Tried my hand, voice, creative skills (or lack of them), at creating an amateurish video.

I’ve been toying with the idea of sharing it with you guys and then thought, eh, why not, right?

Here’s the link, bearing in mind that I am a much better writer than orator, or at least that’s what I tell myself every morning

Who knows? I could just suck at both. 😉