Indian Allergies – Part One

Okay, so by now most of you know that I’m from India and as an Indian, I find that my kind are often inflicted with allergies that are synonymous to our DNA.

Don’t laugh, it’s true. Okay fine, you can laugh a little, but make it more of a snicker please. Thank you.

Over the years, after having keenly observed those of my heritage (namely family members, friends and complete strangers) over “pakodas” and “samosas” (the Indian version of Big Macs and fries), I have come to the conclusion that we are unusually allergic to some aspects of life that those who do not share our DNA are fortunately free from.

For those of my treasured followers who are Indian, I am hoping that you will be able to sympathise with my predicaments (or at least some of them) and for those who aren’t, I presume you’ll be grinning in quiet contemplative satisfaction at having missed out on our genetic makeup. 

For easy referencing, I am bullet pointing them, just so my fellow Indians can do a quick check of where they sit on the Richter Scale of being “Able to fake it successfully” to the “Shite – I’m screwed” rating.

1. As an Indian, we are extremely and dangerously allergic to minding our own business. That’s correct, you read it right. If it’s my business, I’m not interested. I absolutely MUST know everything about everyone who is related/not related to me in any and every possible way, from my fiftieth cousin to my milkman. Basically, if it’s happening on Mars – I need to know.

2. We are not morning people – no Sir-ee. In fact, I am positive that the rest of the World has it the other way round, mornings are definitely meant for sleeping and nights are for staying awake. The Owls have it right.

3. Indians cannot understand the sole obsessive need for physical sexiness the rest of the globe harbours. We don’t completely comprehend the hunger for Playboy & Playgirl. We want a magazine called “Brains are sexy”. Give us a brain in a thong, and now we’re talking.

4. Indians are anti one lifetime. This has absolutely nothing to do with any sort of spiritual endeavours but centres around the single, most important aspect in our lives – food. We keep on coming back again for nothing else because there are far too many delectable culinary delights to cram into one life.

5. Indians don’t understand how anyone can have brothers and sisters that fit into single number categories. Unless you have a gazillion siblings (some of which share your blood), you can’t state you have a family because to us, that’s more like a very, very underdeveloped foetus.

6. Indians are highly allergic to stating any simple word once, just in case you miss it. This has completely nothing to do with our inability to grasp the English language or our doubt at your aptitude in grappling with simple instructions but please don’t be alarmed if we say “sit, sit”, “eat, eat”, “come, come”, etc. It’s just the way we reaffirm our hospitality.

Due to our ill-fated allergies centred around our genetic composition, for the first time ever I have had to divide this post into two parts. Stay tuned (or sob in relief that this traumatic experience has finally come to an end … for now) for Part Two, unless I am barred from WordPress. After which you may all celebrate in joyous reprieve 🙂

See you around everyone!